he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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