So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
