dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
