If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
