Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
