Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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