My underwear smells like fireworks.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
