So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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