Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Buhtt sex?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
