I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
