What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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