hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
