I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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