the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
