My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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