Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
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