theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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