I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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