I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
