Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
