Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
