She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
