my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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