Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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