My sheets look like a crime scene.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
