just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
