his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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