ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
