I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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