I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
