My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
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We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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