His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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