So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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