You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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