Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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