I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
