Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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