I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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