How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
