In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
