Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
