Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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