I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
