I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
