He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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