I got chris browned last night
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
