The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Two words: blizzard sex
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
