apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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