nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
