she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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