Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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