A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
