Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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