My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with youâ€
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