I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
