I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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